“The least I could do is be there for him”
In LGBTQIA+ communities, where family support isn’t always available, people often care for partners, exes, housemates or friends, offering support through disability, mental illness or medical conditions.
That was the case for David, whose retirement changed course in 2021 when he became the full-time carer for his close friend Barry when he became ill. Since 2021, they have shared a home in Lockington.
“I met Barry through my desire to become a grey nomad,” David said. “I was hoping to learn from his knowledge and experience of touring Australia, but during the time we were getting to know each other, he got crook.”
Barry has a condition where his red blood cells break down faster than they’re replaced, leaving his body low on oxygen and causing weakness, fatigue and breathlessness.
“At first, it was just companionship,” David explained. “But then it grew to full-time care, driving him to and from appointments, doing grocery shopping and outside stuff, cooking meals, washing clothes, helping him get in and out of bed and managing life admin. It’s basically 24/7.”
The mental and physical toll on David is real. Living in a rurally meant his options for transportation, socialisation and community support were limited.
“It can be very taxing,” David said. “You get broken sleep, you’re never fully relaxed. Your mental state becomes fragile.”
Alongside the practical and emotional challenges, David faces constant assumptions about the nature of his relationship with Barry. Both identify as gay, but their relationship is not romantic.
“When Barry was in hospital, I walked up to the nurses’ desk and they said, ‘your partner.’ I said, ‘no, I’m his carer.’ People always want to make it something it’s not.”
For many LGBTQIA+ carers, the added pressure to explain or justify their role introduces yet another layer of mental and emotional stress.
The weight of being a full-time carer eventually became too much for David. He was at breaking point when a friend suggested he reach out to Carer Gateway, which provides free support and services for carers.
“I hate picking up the phone and asking for help,” David admitted. “It’s not until I get into that really bad mindset that I do something about it.”
When David finally made the call, Carer Gateway organised emergency respite care for Barry, giving David the break he desperately needed.
“I was in a really chronic state, and they picked up on it straight away. They said, ‘I’ll get everything organised,’ and called back within the hour with a room for Barry. All that load was taken off me, and I could regenerate while Barry was looked after.”
Since then, David has accessed additional respite support through Carer Gateway, giving him the chance to rest and recharge. Despite the challenges he has faced, David knows he’s exactly where he is meant to be.
“Barry helped me through my darkest times,” he said. “He took me from being a depressed, anxiety-ridden person to being totally off medication.”
“The least I could do is be there for him. That’s my nature.”
Supporting LGBTQIA+ carers in regional Victoria
LGBTQIA+ people in rural and regional Victoria often rate their health lower than those in suburbs and are less likely to seek help, especially from unfamiliar services.
To better support carers like David, Carer Gateway and FamilyCare have partnered with GV Pride to create safer, more inclusive pathways for LGBTQIA+ people providing unpaid care.
“LGBTQIA+ people have, for a long time, been left out or excluded,” said Damien Stevens-Todd, GV Pride Treasurer. “The idea of reaching out to a new organisation and putting your trust in them can be really difficult, particularly for carers seeking support.”
As part of the partnership, GV Pride, Carer Gateway and FamilyCare are strengthening connections with LGBTQIA+ communities through local outreach and events such as the Emerald Ball.
“When we build these relationships with organisations like Carer Gateway, LGBTQIA+ carers new to these services can see there has been real investment. That’s incredibly important.”
For carers who may not even realise they deserve support, Damien added, “It’s okay to reach out and get the help you need. Sometimes you don’t even realise you need it.”
Carer Gateway offers free, safe and inclusive services for carers across Victoria, including counselling, coaching, peer support groups, tailored support packages and respite care. Support is available in person, online or over the phone.
Call 1800 422 737, Monday to Friday, 8am–5pm or visit carergateway.gov.au to learn more. Emergency respite is available 24/7.
Holstep Health leads Carer Gateway services in Victoria in a consortium of six experienced health and community care organisations. In the Shepparton/Goulburn Valley/North-East Victorian region, these services are provided by FamilyCare, Uniting Vic.Tas and Bendigo Health.
